I’ve always been infinitely better at knowing how to hurt people than make them feel better. It’s so easy to lash out! And so hard to hold my tongue. Maybe it’s my backlog of grievances from my school days, and misdirected lust for revenge, but that does not make it any more okay. So I’m trying to stop that. And the easiest way not to lash out at someone is to try and not get annoyed with them in the first place.
I get very easily annoyed at people. Not to say angry. Not to say hurt. That is because I’m impatient – to me a lot of people are notoriously slow at doing things, like responding to e-mails etc. Many are the times when I have sat fuming and wondering what on Earth is it that can POSSIBLY take so long!? But, just like with insults, I have found that there are a few ways to think that can help relieve the anger and frustration I’m prone to feeling.
Firstly, I find it helpful to identify why I feel so frustrated. What are the thoughts behind that grating, unhappy anger and impatience? Depending on the circumstances, I have come up with a few different ones.
1) ‘But I would never…’
I would never behave that way – make someone wait that long. Sure, once in a while something legitimately happens that causes the delay – but most of the time, honestly, they’re just being slow for (what I consider) no reason. And I get hurt that they’re just not prioritising me in the slightest when they don’t reply to a chat message for half an hour because they were ‘caught up’ watching a you-tube clip or something. I would never do that. To me, that’s just basically rude.
And that feeling is very hard to shake, but here’s the thought that helps to at least ease the discomfort: They’re not me. This is the top one. Just because I would treat them in a certain way, it doesn’t mean that I should expect them to treat me the same way back. I can multitask; watch a film and reply to a message simultaneously. Perhaps they don’t have that ability. They think differently; their minds work differently; they have a different way of doing things. It doesn’t mean they’re being rude on purpose just because if I did the same thing, I would be. And there’s nothing to say that my way of doing things is the right one, or even the common one. The more people I interact with, the more I seem to realise that I’m probably the unusual one.
2) ‘It used to be better’
Another big source of unhappiness for me is comparing things to the way they used to be; those days when interaction was swift and pleasant. And I have noticed that this thought isn’t just the sadness that things are worse now, but a fear that it’s a continuing tradition. That if something is worse today than it was yesterday, then it is bound to be worse still tomorrow.
But this is a false projection. People don’t work that way; they’re not quite that linear and predictable. Anyone can have a bad day today and a good day tomorrow. If things can get worse (and they always can!) then they can usually get better too!
3) Overlooked reasons.
Tiredness. Stress. Work / school, family matters. Mental health. There can be lots of things on people’s minds that they don’t mention but that are causing them to act in a… less considerate manner. But these factors hit people differently too. See no. 1)
A few days ago, someone wrote something that really annoyed me on a message board. It wasn’t directly affecting me or related to be, but… sort of. And my knee-jerk reaction was to post something snarky back, but I managed to restrain myself, and I’m glad I did. Apparently, this person, it turns out, struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts and whatnot, and when I found out, it made me think about how I tend to forget about people’s reasons. And about giving them the benefit of doubt even if you suspect that they are lying about their reasons.
4) ‘Is is my fault?’
It’s important not to fall into the paranoid ‘was it something I said’ mindset where you convince yourself that you’ve pissed them off and they are somehow taking their revenge. This one can be very hard to deal with, but if you do piss someone off, you usually know it with more certainty than that. Now, if I do feel strongly enough that I have done something inconsiderate, I just ask. And, if it turns out I have done something, out of my impatience and annoyance, I apologise. This has certainly happened; I have said quite a few things that were out of line over the years. But I am working on not letting it happen again.